1 00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:04,786 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,855 --> 00:00:08,189 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,877 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,946 --> 00:00:14,963 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:18,283 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,186 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:23,254 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,307 --> 00:00:24,856 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:29,878 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:36,963 Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, 11 00:00:36,987 --> 00:00:38,765 and the reason I'm wearing this mask 12 00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:41,556 is because we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight, 13 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:45,060 who, as you'll find out as the show goes on, is quite a cougher. 14 00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:47,395 In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... 15 00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:50,239 See? That's what I was talking about. 16 00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:55,790 Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial? 17 00:00:57,174 --> 00:00:58,935 No, no, you have to spray it. You can't just wipe... 18 00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:01,321 Look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out. 19 00:01:01,345 --> 00:01:04,212 Okay, Joyce, you talk now. I don't even want to open my mouth. 20 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,593 You know, Tom, I haven't seen you in a mask 21 00:01:06,617 --> 00:01:09,295 since you went under the stage name George P. Wilbur. 22 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:12,554 Joyce, you know we don't talk about that on the air. 23 00:01:12,623 --> 00:01:13,889 Oh, my God! 24 00:01:13,958 --> 00:01:15,423 Did she just say 25 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:18,227 that George P. Wilbur was Tom Tucker's stage name? 26 00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:19,795 Who the hell is George P. Wilbur? 27 00:01:19,863 --> 00:01:22,564 That's the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, 28 00:01:22,633 --> 00:01:24,460 the greatest movie of all time. 29 00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:26,496 I've only seen that movie about a thousand times. 30 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:27,897 How could I not have noticed that? 31 00:01:36,947 --> 00:01:38,575 Good evening, I'm Michael Myers. 32 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,476 I have enormous psychological problems, 33 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,867 and I'm going to take them out on you. 34 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,815 It is him. I can't believe it. 35 00:01:44,839 --> 00:01:46,683 I mean, that's, like, my favorite movie ever! 36 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:49,675 I thought The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas was your favorite movie. 37 00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:51,588 No, that's my favorite period piece. 38 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,256 Well, that and Good Night, and Good Luck. 39 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,440 Even though I was tricked into leaving early. 40 00:01:55,465 --> 00:01:57,332 Good night, and good luck. 41 00:01:57,401 --> 00:01:59,641 And good night and good luck to you, sir. 42 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,387 Oh, hi, Chris. How was school? 43 00:02:07,411 --> 00:02:09,661 It was great. I met a girl, Mom! 44 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:10,995 That's wonderful, honey. 45 00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:13,398 Yeah, her name is Lindsey, like the state. 46 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,499 Is she nice? 47 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,546 Yeah, she's really nice and super pretty, 48 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,804 and her bicycle seat smells like strawberries. 49 00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:21,105 Oh, okay. 50 00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:22,819 I'm gonna go upstairs and alternate 51 00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:25,694 between hopeful excitement and suicidal pessimism! 52 00:02:31,201 --> 00:02:32,985 Got to get the energy up. 53 00:02:36,340 --> 00:02:37,340 Found it. 54 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:41,209 Hey, excuse me, Mr. Tucker. You got a second? 55 00:02:41,278 --> 00:02:42,922 Oh, hello, Peter. Sure, come on in. 56 00:02:42,946 --> 00:02:45,914 Thanks. Hey, listen, I just found out that you were the guy 57 00:02:45,983 --> 00:02:48,333 who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, 58 00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:49,763 and I just want to say I think that was 59 00:02:49,787 --> 00:02:51,386 the most brilliant performance ever 60 00:02:51,454 --> 00:02:53,188 in the history of everything, 61 00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:55,490 and I wanted to see if you would sign my DVD. 62 00:02:55,558 --> 00:02:57,475 Oh, I suppose. 63 00:02:57,544 --> 00:02:59,344 Thanks. Hey, so, what happened? 64 00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:01,013 How come you never did any more movies? 65 00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:03,226 Well, I tried to make a career out there in Hollywood, 66 00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:05,650 but I just didn't realize how tough acting is. 67 00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:08,369 Well, you know what they say, "Tough Actin' Tinactin." 68 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,066 I wish I'd known that then. 69 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,834 You see, life after Halloween 4 70 00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:13,769 wasn't exactly smooth sailing. 71 00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:15,638 Once I stepped out from behind that mask, 72 00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:17,782 Hollywood gave me the cold shoulder. 73 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,544 The work I did manage to get 74 00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:24,369 was usually just bit parts that didn't last too long. 75 00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:27,383 Like the role of Denise's boyfriend on The Cosby Show. 76 00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:28,801 It's nice to meet you, Martin. 77 00:03:28,825 --> 00:03:30,025 Thank you, Mrs. Huxtable. 78 00:03:30,060 --> 00:03:32,138 So, if you guys are a family, 79 00:03:32,162 --> 00:03:34,395 why are none of you the same shade of black? 80 00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:38,016 I was also coked out of my skull most of the time. 81 00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:40,201 But whatever the case, I was done. 82 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:44,355 I left Hollywood, moved back to my hometown of Quahog, 83 00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:46,675 and wound up working here as a news anchor. 84 00:03:46,744 --> 00:03:49,061 Wow. Well, don't you miss it? 85 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:52,313 Every second of every day, but I can't touch coke again. 86 00:03:52,382 --> 00:03:53,460 It would ruin my life. 87 00:03:53,484 --> 00:03:54,516 No, I mean acting. 88 00:03:54,584 --> 00:03:55,984 Oh, of course. 89 00:03:56,053 --> 00:03:58,537 But it's over for me. That's all in the past. 90 00:03:58,605 --> 00:04:01,289 Well, if you ask me, you got the makings of a star. 91 00:04:01,358 --> 00:04:02,991 And I want to help you get there. 92 00:04:03,060 --> 00:04:06,272 Well, that's a nice offer, but I'm not quite sure how you expect to do that. 93 00:04:06,296 --> 00:04:08,380 Well, you've brought me so much joy over the years 94 00:04:08,449 --> 00:04:10,349 as that lovable murderer of teenagers, 95 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,050 and I want to return the favor. 96 00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,663 I don't even have an agent anymore. 97 00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:15,053 Well, then how about this? 98 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,055 I'll be your agent. You? 99 00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,924 Yeah, I've seen every episode of Entourage. 100 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,237 All you need is some fake hair 101 00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:22,093 and a bunch of hobbits hanging around you. 102 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,878 You're on in five minutes, Mr. Tucker. 103 00:04:23,947 --> 00:04:26,180 You don't belong here. You're better than this. 104 00:04:26,249 --> 00:04:28,400 You're Halloween 4 better. 105 00:04:28,468 --> 00:04:29,879 Look, I appreciate your offer, 106 00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:31,943 but I've got a pretty good thing going here. 107 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:35,523 In a few minutes, I've got to be on camera in front of 800 people. 108 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,409 Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight, 109 00:04:43,433 --> 00:04:46,567 The Rhode Island Historical Society is heralding the arrival 110 00:04:46,636 --> 00:04:50,071 of a cast-iron, oak-handled Colonial bed sheet warmer, 111 00:04:50,140 --> 00:04:52,260 now on display in the State House rotunda. 112 00:04:53,009 --> 00:04:55,377 Okay, there it is. 113 00:04:55,445 --> 00:04:57,990 As I understand it, they would put the coal inside of that, 114 00:04:58,014 --> 00:05:01,115 and then put the object between the sheets. 115 00:05:01,184 --> 00:05:03,551 It was very cold back then. 116 00:05:03,620 --> 00:05:06,020 And it would warm the sheets. 117 00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:09,273 And I think that's the gist of it. 118 00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:11,454 How much footage of this do we have? 119 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:14,346 Oh, this is live. Can she hear me? 120 00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:17,349 Okay, you can put it down now. 121 00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:18,817 She can't hear me. Okay. 122 00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:22,732 What the hell is going on here? 123 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:25,156 Is it... Is it... Am I having a stroke? 124 00:05:27,310 --> 00:05:29,044 Wait, Peter! Don't go! 125 00:05:29,113 --> 00:05:32,433 So, you changed your mind, huh, buddy? We going to Hollywood? 126 00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:33,882 You betcha. 127 00:05:33,950 --> 00:05:36,062 But I have to say, I thought you'd drive a fancier car. 128 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,618 What? Why? 129 00:05:37,687 --> 00:05:39,866 Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin of Peter Griffin Cadillac? 130 00:05:39,890 --> 00:05:41,506 No, that's another guy. 131 00:05:41,574 --> 00:05:44,542 Hi. I'm Peter Griffin, and at Peter Griffin Cadillac, 132 00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:49,163 we believe in three things, fair dealing, family, and friendship. 133 00:05:49,232 --> 00:05:52,244 I've lived in Quahog my whole life. I love it here. 134 00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:54,588 And you're gonna love a Peter Griffin Cadillac. 135 00:05:54,805 --> 00:05:55,837 Scumbag. 136 00:06:02,296 --> 00:06:05,197 All right, Lois, remember to feed the cat, and remember to get a cat. 137 00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:08,311 I still don't understand why you got to go all the way to Hollywood. 138 00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,902 Because I know Tom Tucker could be a great actor, 139 00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:12,804 and I'm gonna help him make it happen. 140 00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:16,508 You see, everybody needs just one person to believe in their dreams 141 00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,660 so they can spread their wings and fly. 142 00:06:18,728 --> 00:06:20,506 Dad, can I have money for dance classes? 143 00:06:20,530 --> 00:06:23,331 Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf. I'd pay to see you not dance. 144 00:06:23,399 --> 00:06:25,500 When will you be back? I don't know. 145 00:06:25,568 --> 00:06:26,779 But I'll be sure to be back before 146 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,670 Chris' big dance class recital. 147 00:06:28,739 --> 00:06:30,021 I believe in that boy. 148 00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:31,423 I don't want to dance! 149 00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:32,524 You'll dance! 150 00:06:40,684 --> 00:06:44,152 Boy, I don't know, Peter, being back out here makes me kind of nervous. 151 00:06:44,221 --> 00:06:46,065 Maybe this was all a mistake. 152 00:06:46,089 --> 00:06:49,090 Don't be silly, Tom. You're an actor, and this is where you belong. 153 00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:51,799 Now, let's take some of this complimentary luggage and get going. 154 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:56,031 Well, so, how do we do this? 155 00:06:56,099 --> 00:06:57,231 You do nothing. 156 00:06:57,300 --> 00:06:59,067 You just sit back and let your agent 157 00:06:59,136 --> 00:07:00,468 knock on every door in Hollywood 158 00:07:00,537 --> 00:07:01,936 till he gets you an acting job. 159 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,604 And that starts right now. 160 00:07:04,875 --> 00:07:06,558 Yes? Can I help you? 161 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:09,644 No, but I can help you. You need to hire this man. 162 00:07:09,713 --> 00:07:14,499 Oh, um, okay. Well, do you have any experience handling bags? 163 00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:19,187 A-ha! I see! Typical casting couch stuff. 164 00:07:19,255 --> 00:07:21,667 All right, kid, you want to make it in showbiz or don't you? 165 00:07:27,331 --> 00:07:29,097 I thought the airport was Hollywood. 166 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:38,139 Hey, Mom, I want you to meet my new girlfriend. 167 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:39,457 New girlfriend? 168 00:07:39,526 --> 00:07:42,455 Yeah, you remember that girl Lindsey I told you about? 169 00:07:42,479 --> 00:07:45,379 Well, I asked her out, and now we are dating. 170 00:07:45,448 --> 00:07:50,468 Lindsey, this is my mom, my little brother Stewie and my dog Brian. 171 00:07:50,537 --> 00:07:52,320 Hey. 172 00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:53,988 Oh, my God. 173 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:58,509 My goodness, look at you. Do you even realize who you look like? 174 00:07:58,578 --> 00:08:01,812 Cameron Diaz, that's who. You are gorgeous! 175 00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:04,149 Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom. 176 00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,667 Very pretty. Stunning. 177 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:09,036 Are you kidding me? Are they not seeing this? 178 00:08:09,105 --> 00:08:11,923 I know, it's kind of creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois. 179 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,071 Yeah. Looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy. 180 00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:16,895 Can we say that? Just did. 181 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:23,201 All right, Tom, what better way to relaunch your showbiz career 182 00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:26,471 than getting inspired by the names on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? 183 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,039 Ah, look at them all! 184 00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:31,525 Tilson Jennings, Vilma Banky. 185 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:35,330 There's Chester Conklin, Ona Munson. 186 00:08:35,398 --> 00:08:38,700 Ralph Staub, Henry B. Walthall. 187 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:41,803 Who the fuck are these people? 188 00:08:45,558 --> 00:08:47,119 All right, Tom, this is totally gonna work. 189 00:08:47,143 --> 00:08:49,555 All the biggest Hollywood players eat here, 190 00:08:49,579 --> 00:08:51,658 and we just got to make them think we're one of them. 191 00:08:51,682 --> 00:08:54,215 That's why I got these old Hollywood Jew glasses. 192 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,616 Waiter! Oh, waiter! 193 00:08:55,685 --> 00:08:57,451 Yes, sir. Are you gentlemen ready to order? 194 00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,632 Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy, 195 00:08:59,656 --> 00:09:02,073 and my client here will have a bottle of your best steak. 196 00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,358 Right away, sir. 197 00:09:03,427 --> 00:09:04,821 Peter, I'm not sure what any of this 198 00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:06,628 has to do with getting me acting jobs. 199 00:09:06,696 --> 00:09:07,790 Tom, who's the agent here? 200 00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:08,847 You are. 201 00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:10,756 And who is the actor? Well, I am. 202 00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,096 Wait, which one am I, again? The agent. 203 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,264 And who's paying for dinner? 204 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:16,521 I assumed you were. 205 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,902 Ah, then we best load our pockets with bread 206 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:21,166 and get the hell out of here. 207 00:09:21,411 --> 00:09:23,962 We have to go! Not expensive enough! 208 00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,265 Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice 209 00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:28,945 your glasses, your poor table manners, 210 00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:30,847 and your huge sense of entitlement. 211 00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:32,598 Are you an agent? I am. 212 00:09:32,622 --> 00:09:34,772 You've got 10 seconds to dazzle me. Go! 213 00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:37,486 Well, I'm the casting director for NCIS, 214 00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:40,539 and we need an actor for a small role that shoots tomorrow. 215 00:09:40,563 --> 00:09:41,929 This is your man. 216 00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:44,243 That's great! He's got just the look we're after. 217 00:09:44,267 --> 00:09:46,701 Show up here at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow. 218 00:09:46,770 --> 00:09:49,437 How about that, huh, Tom? You're back in the business. 219 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,272 Wow, Peter, I can't believe it! 220 00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:54,675 Hey, don't be so surprised. I've been pounding the pavement for you, buddy. 221 00:09:54,744 --> 00:09:56,706 I even gave out all my business cards. 222 00:09:56,730 --> 00:10:01,982 Call me! Call me! Call me! Call me! Call me! Call me! Call me! 223 00:10:02,785 --> 00:10:04,585 Ah, show business. 224 00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:10,358 Hi, you two. 225 00:10:10,427 --> 00:10:13,044 You know, Lindsey, I just want to say how nice it is 226 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,446 to have such a beautiful young woman in our home. 227 00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:18,048 Oh, a baby. I almost had one of you twice. 228 00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:21,369 Who didn't, right? 229 00:10:21,438 --> 00:10:23,404 So, what are you two up to tonight? 230 00:10:23,473 --> 00:10:25,218 Well, we really haven't decided yet. 231 00:10:25,242 --> 00:10:26,752 Eh, I'll think of something 232 00:10:26,776 --> 00:10:29,088 while I'm taking a chick dump in your parents' bathroom. 233 00:10:29,112 --> 00:10:31,512 And I will hold your purse. 234 00:10:31,581 --> 00:10:34,949 Good for Chris, huh? He picked a peach, didn't he? 235 00:10:35,018 --> 00:10:36,729 Didn't he pick a peach, Brian? 236 00:10:36,753 --> 00:10:38,486 Yeah, I don't know. 237 00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:40,733 What's not to know, she's terrific. 238 00:10:40,757 --> 00:10:43,624 Lois, don't you think maybe part of the reason you like Lindsey 239 00:10:43,693 --> 00:10:45,994 could be because she looks so much like you? 240 00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,541 What? What are you talking about? 241 00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:50,598 Come on, she's clearly an awful person. 242 00:10:50,667 --> 00:10:52,261 And I think it's possible that your vanity 243 00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:53,935 has made you a little blind to that. 244 00:10:54,003 --> 00:10:57,555 Oh, I see what's going on here, you're jealous. 245 00:10:57,623 --> 00:10:59,601 Chris has a wonderful young woman in his life, 246 00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:00,925 and you've got nothing. 247 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,227 She's kind of right, Brian. 248 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,273 All you've got is a worn-out rope toy 249 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:07,310 and that squirrel who comes by once a day to taunt you. 250 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:11,519 Hey! Hey, get out of here! This is our yard! 251 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:13,588 You don't belong there! Don't you touch anything! 252 00:11:13,623 --> 00:11:15,023 I told you all this yesterday! 253 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:29,803 To your first big TV acting job. 254 00:11:29,872 --> 00:11:31,805 We now return to NCIS. 255 00:11:31,874 --> 00:11:33,385 Oh, here it is. Here comes my part. 256 00:11:35,845 --> 00:11:38,323 Excuse me. I'm looking for Ed Manzelli. 257 00:11:38,347 --> 00:11:41,149 Good evening, I'm Ed Manzelli. What can I do for you? 258 00:11:41,218 --> 00:11:43,045 I'm looking for a guy who used to work here. 259 00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:45,481 Name's Mario. Got any idea where he could be? 260 00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:47,805 I haven't seen him in over a month. 261 00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:51,409 That's the end of my line. Your line, NCIS. 262 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,912 You son of a bitch, you made me feel again. 263 00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:57,314 Oh, don't you go, 'cause I'll go. 264 00:11:57,383 --> 00:12:01,052 You know, Peter, I just want to thank you for all you've done for me. 265 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,498 You are one hell of an agent. 266 00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,338 Well, with you as a client, it's easy. 267 00:12:04,407 --> 00:12:06,218 Mr. Griffin? Yes, Sandra? 268 00:12:06,242 --> 00:12:07,353 You have a secretary? 269 00:12:07,377 --> 00:12:09,276 She calls herself an assistant, but yes. 270 00:12:09,345 --> 00:12:10,411 What is it, Sandra? 271 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:11,924 There's a man here to see you. 272 00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:14,059 He says he wants to talk to you about being his agent. 273 00:12:14,083 --> 00:12:16,767 Really? Well, then, by all means, send him in! 274 00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:18,019 Hey, knucklebutts! 275 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,471 James Woods? 276 00:12:20,523 --> 00:12:22,623 But I don't understand! 277 00:12:22,692 --> 00:12:23,925 I thought you were dead! 278 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,326 Well, I'm not. 279 00:12:25,395 --> 00:12:26,594 I don't believe you. 280 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:29,197 God, is that true? God? 281 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:31,966 God, are you there? 282 00:12:38,274 --> 00:12:40,875 Come on, don't touch yourself. You're God. 283 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:49,700 I don't get it. Last time we saw you, 284 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,581 Diane Simmons had just stabbed you in the back with a knife. 285 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,316 Yeah! How the hell did you come back to life? 286 00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:55,901 Well, gentlemen, sometimes being 287 00:12:55,925 --> 00:12:58,058 a big Hollywood star has its advantages. 288 00:13:04,433 --> 00:13:05,799 Hey, is this guy somebody? 289 00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:07,685 Yeah, that's James Woods! 290 00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:10,849 We got a celebrity here! I repeat, this is not a normal dead person! 291 00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:11,956 This is a celebrity! 292 00:13:14,110 --> 00:13:15,810 Being a famous movie star 293 00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:17,911 entitled me to top-notch medical care 294 00:13:17,980 --> 00:13:20,060 not available to the rest of society. 295 00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:24,819 My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital, 296 00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:27,589 where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old ingenue. 297 00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:31,904 And in accordance with Hollywood law, 298 00:13:31,928 --> 00:13:34,128 her life force was infused into me, 299 00:13:34,197 --> 00:13:36,037 bringing me back from the dead. 300 00:13:37,166 --> 00:13:38,811 What happened to the girl? 301 00:13:38,835 --> 00:13:41,480 I threw her out a car window at Nora Ephron. 302 00:13:42,605 --> 00:13:44,621 Stop making Jack Nicholson a homo! 303 00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:46,302 You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! 304 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,842 You're the same thing! 305 00:13:48,444 --> 00:13:49,777 Wow. That's amazing. 306 00:13:49,846 --> 00:13:52,113 So, what do you say, Peter? Will you be my agent? 307 00:13:52,182 --> 00:13:55,060 I don't get it. Why would a big shot like you want me for an agent? 308 00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,601 Because you're an up-and-comer, because you're hungry. 309 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,287 I am hungry. 310 00:13:59,355 --> 00:14:01,901 But you put me and my family through a lot of crap over the years. 311 00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,186 Why would I want to help you? 312 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,642 Well, because you're my agent. 313 00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,555 Oh, my God, you're right! I am! 314 00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:08,807 Hey, hold on now. You came out here to be my agent. 315 00:14:08,831 --> 00:14:10,893 Tom, relax, I can take care of you both. 316 00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:13,167 You'd be surprised how much I can handle. 317 00:14:13,236 --> 00:14:15,514 Peter, I need you to drop Stewie off at day care, 318 00:14:15,538 --> 00:14:18,016 and then shred this big stack of old bank statements. 319 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,057 You got it, Lois. 320 00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,311 Is he always this quiet? 321 00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:29,984 So, Kevin made another attempt on his life last night. 322 00:14:30,052 --> 00:14:31,952 He drank two bottles of dish soap. 323 00:14:32,021 --> 00:14:33,849 Well, we have some news, too. 324 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,274 Chris is dating the most wonderful girl. 325 00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:38,787 You know, everyone said, "Don't smoke during your pregnancy," 326 00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:42,171 but I think some of it rubbed off on him 'cause now he's cool. 327 00:14:42,198 --> 00:14:45,166 That's nice. Well, I should go, Lois. 328 00:14:45,234 --> 00:14:47,394 Yeah, I should probably get going myself. 329 00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:49,436 Oh, my God! 330 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:53,874 What? What is it, Lois? 331 00:14:53,943 --> 00:14:57,395 That girl over there, that's Chris' girlfriend! 332 00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:59,830 Hey, you know, she kind of looks like you, Lois. 333 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,367 Maybe she'll thank me for buying the coffee. 334 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:05,035 You think she looks like me, too? 335 00:15:05,104 --> 00:15:07,983 Oh, my God. I'm starting to think Brian was right. 336 00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:11,142 Maybe I have been blinded by my own stupid vanity. 337 00:15:11,210 --> 00:15:13,344 That girl is nothing but trouble. 338 00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,979 Are you gonna tell Chris? 339 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:19,050 I guess I'll have to, but he doesn't take bad news very well. 340 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:22,370 Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this, 341 00:15:22,439 --> 00:15:24,222 but your grandfather died. 342 00:15:33,216 --> 00:15:35,461 All right, gentlemen. So, what do you got for my client? 343 00:15:35,485 --> 00:15:37,529 Well, we're making a mediocre action film, 344 00:15:37,553 --> 00:15:39,513 and we think James is just the guy 345 00:15:39,555 --> 00:15:42,801 to do a serviceable job in a supporting role that Jeremy Irons, 346 00:15:42,825 --> 00:15:45,993 Jeff Goldblum and Craig T. Nelson have already passed on. 347 00:15:46,062 --> 00:15:48,595 Well, we'd need to see a script first. 348 00:15:48,664 --> 00:15:50,547 Looks good. What do you think, James? 349 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:52,776 I like it. Good. I say we move on this. 350 00:15:52,818 --> 00:15:55,031 All right, then, let's negotiate. We want everything. 351 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,799 We'll give you nothing. We want something. 352 00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:57,823 Deal. 353 00:16:02,412 --> 00:16:06,664 Ugh, not this hillbilly from Rhode Island again. No, thank you. 354 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,511 This is Peter Griffin, famous agent, 355 00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:10,551 but you can call me PG-13. 356 00:16:10,620 --> 00:16:12,653 Ba-boom! Leave a message. 357 00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:15,706 Hi, Peter, it's Tom. Just trying to reach you again. 358 00:16:15,774 --> 00:16:17,608 And, you know, about that meeting 359 00:16:17,676 --> 00:16:19,221 you set up with me and Heath Ledger, 360 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,744 he never showed. 361 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,914 Maybe I was at the wrong Panda Express, but I... 362 00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:25,350 Anyway, call me back. 363 00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:30,916 Hey, listen, thanks for inviting me to lunch, Peter. 364 00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:34,186 I was starting to get nervous when you weren't returning my calls. 365 00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:36,444 Tom, I didn't know how to say this to you, 366 00:16:36,513 --> 00:16:39,046 so, here, take this piece of paper. 367 00:16:39,115 --> 00:16:42,499 And you're on in four, three, two... 368 00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:45,163 "Peter Griffin drops Tom Tucker as a client." 369 00:16:45,187 --> 00:16:47,199 You're dropping me as a client? 370 00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:48,583 Yeah, I just heard it on the news. 371 00:16:48,607 --> 00:16:50,157 How could you do this? 372 00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:52,671 Look, it's a whole different landscape out here since Thursday. 373 00:16:52,695 --> 00:16:54,161 Everything's on computers now. 374 00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:56,208 Peter, I left a very good job for this! 375 00:16:56,232 --> 00:16:57,976 You're the only reason I came back out here! 376 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,767 I wish I could help you, Tom, but this is coming from upstairs. 377 00:17:00,836 --> 00:17:02,036 The karate studio? 378 00:17:02,105 --> 00:17:03,688 Tom, I have to go now. 379 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,236 But if you're ever Kevin James, I want you to give me a call. 380 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:13,881 Hello? 381 00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:15,143 Peter, it's me, Woodsy! 382 00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:16,278 I need a favor. 383 00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,436 What? It's, like, 2:00 a.m. 384 00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,416 Yeah, so listen, I'm at Chateau Marmont. 385 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,184 I just met this 18-year-old chick, 386 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,220 and I can't decide whether to take her home 387 00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:26,155 or keep doing blow with Tom Sizemore 388 00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:28,157 and see if I can do better later in the night. 389 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:31,299 Well, okay. Do you love her? 390 00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:33,745 What? Look, I'm texting you her picture. 391 00:17:33,769 --> 00:17:36,037 Just tell me if you think she's hot enough. 392 00:17:38,774 --> 00:17:41,909 What is this a picture of? Is that the bottom of a white pumpkin? 393 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,711 Is she hot or not? 394 00:17:43,779 --> 00:17:45,612 I guess. Okay, good, great. 395 00:17:45,681 --> 00:17:48,194 So clear out of your apartment, we're gonna be there in 15. 396 00:17:48,218 --> 00:17:51,118 What? I'm sleeping. Why can't you bring her to your place? 397 00:17:51,187 --> 00:17:54,027 I don't know, man. It's my aunt's daughter. It's weird. 398 00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:02,679 Chris, honey, there's something I want to talk to you about. 399 00:18:02,732 --> 00:18:04,476 Why, sure, Mom. Come on in. 400 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,180 Chris, you know your girlfriend, Lindsey? 401 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,568 Yeah? 402 00:18:07,636 --> 00:18:12,105 Well, honey, I saw her making out with another boy. 403 00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:14,437 Was she kissing with her mouth, or her pants-mouth? 404 00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:15,960 Because she does both. 405 00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:19,330 Chris, I can't believe you knew about this! That's terrible! 406 00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:21,582 Why would you even date a girl like that? 407 00:18:21,650 --> 00:18:24,785 Well, because I thought she'd be like you. 408 00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,220 Like me? 409 00:18:26,288 --> 00:18:29,640 Well, you got to admit, Mom, she does look a lot like you. 410 00:18:29,708 --> 00:18:32,271 I mean, I just look at you and Dad, you know? 411 00:18:32,295 --> 00:18:35,263 He's a complete train wreck, and you put up with him. 412 00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,698 And I'm no prize myself. 413 00:18:37,767 --> 00:18:40,980 So, I guess I figured if I don't find a girl just like you, 414 00:18:41,004 --> 00:18:43,020 I might never find anyone. 415 00:18:43,072 --> 00:18:48,276 Oh, Chris, of course you'll find someone. And you are a prize. 416 00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:50,477 You're a handsome, kind-hearted young man, 417 00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:53,414 and any girl would be lucky to have you in her life. 418 00:18:53,483 --> 00:18:54,915 You really think so? 419 00:18:54,984 --> 00:18:56,684 Of course I do, sweetheart. 420 00:18:56,753 --> 00:18:57,753 Thanks, Mom. 421 00:18:59,455 --> 00:19:01,972 Now I'm gonna take the child filter off the computer, 422 00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:04,041 and I want you to have a fun night. 423 00:19:08,831 --> 00:19:11,871 Okay, this is it, James. I got your next project right here. 424 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,985 Peter, you've pitched me dozens of projects, 425 00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:18,589 and all of them involve me playing a hayride driver. 426 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,168 I don't know, I just see you doing that. 427 00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:22,304 You know, this year, it's vampires, next year, it's hay. 428 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:23,622 These things go in cycles. 429 00:19:23,646 --> 00:19:25,863 Peter, this is probably a good time to fire you. 430 00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:26,947 What? 431 00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,566 Come on, Peter, who are we kidding? 432 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:31,802 You're a one-man operation. You know me, I need a whole crew. 433 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:35,022 I need a drugs guy, a girls guy, a fitness guy, 434 00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:37,775 "a guy with a boat who can dump stuff way out there" kind of guy. 435 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:41,245 But you're my only client! Without you, I'm ruined! 436 00:19:41,313 --> 00:19:42,897 Well, that's show business. 437 00:19:42,965 --> 00:19:45,494 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to answer this fake phone call. 438 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,184 Hello? Grimace from McDonald's? 439 00:19:47,253 --> 00:19:48,985 Sorry, Peter, I got to take this. 440 00:19:49,054 --> 00:19:50,254 No, I understand. 441 00:19:57,614 --> 00:19:59,597 Hey, Tom. How you doing? 442 00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:01,148 What do you want? 443 00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,183 James Woods fired me. 444 00:20:03,252 --> 00:20:07,588 Listen, I've been thinking. I was a real jerk to you. 445 00:20:07,657 --> 00:20:11,375 I dragged you out here, only to dump you when you needed me the most. 446 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:14,695 I guess what I'm saying is I'm really sorry about everything. 447 00:20:14,764 --> 00:20:16,291 Sorry doesn't cut it, Peter. 448 00:20:16,315 --> 00:20:19,011 I quit my job, I left everything behind to come out here. 449 00:20:19,035 --> 00:20:20,595 I know, but I was just trying to help. 450 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:23,487 I never wanted to let you down. 451 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:26,256 Well, I suppose your only crime is that you believed in me. 452 00:20:26,325 --> 00:20:28,653 And then stopped believing in me rather abruptly. 453 00:20:28,677 --> 00:20:31,896 So what do you say? You ready to go back to where we both belong? 454 00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:34,532 Yup. Let's go home. 455 00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,000 Sounds good. 456 00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:39,153 Hey, check out this picture James Woods texted me. 457 00:20:39,221 --> 00:20:41,700 What is that? A balloon running out of air? 458 00:20:41,724 --> 00:20:43,564 Yeah, see, I was hoping you would know. 459 00:20:44,593 --> 00:20:46,176 It's his cousin's anus. 460 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,216 Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. 461 00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:53,967 And I'm Joyce Kinney. 462 00:20:54,036 --> 00:20:56,748 Tom, I think I speak for all of us here at Channel Five News 463 00:20:56,772 --> 00:21:00,541 when I say it's good to have you back here at half your original salary. 464 00:21:00,609 --> 00:21:01,653 Still twice yours, Joyce. 465 00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:03,310 Our top story tonight, 466 00:21:03,379 --> 00:21:05,691 Quahog's first organic supermarket opens this weekend. 467 00:21:05,715 --> 00:21:08,732 So head on down before the gays turn it into a cruising ground 468 00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:11,012 like they did the Barnes and Noble upstairs coffee bar, 469 00:21:11,036 --> 00:21:12,453 which they had to close. 470 00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,988 Well, I'm just happy Tom got his job back. 471 00:21:15,057 --> 00:21:17,324 But I'm sorry I missed meeting your girlfriend, Chris. 472 00:21:17,392 --> 00:21:18,491 That's okay, Dad. 473 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:20,038 Yeah, Chris, I never asked you. 474 00:21:20,062 --> 00:21:22,074 What did Lindsey say when you broke up with her? 475 00:21:22,098 --> 00:21:23,597 She didn't seem to mind. 476 00:21:23,665 --> 00:21:26,183 I think she already moved on to someone else. 477 00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:27,746 Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn. 478 00:21:27,770 --> 00:21:29,937 You're welcome. And you're dismissed. 479 00:21:30,005 --> 00:21:32,205 Do I still get to keep the 20?